News from the Vatican catwalk: a Papal makeover, dahlinks!
More joy from Holy Smoke: the Pope is driving his sharpened crozier into the heart of the liberalism that has wrecked the church by, er, wearing vestments that hark back to the Medici popes. We’re talking Leo X in 1513 when the poor died young and the women in childbirth, when you could burn a heretic or buy a papacy. Those were the days.
OK, I wrote a book about the popes, so let’s flick back and see what this last of the great Medicis did while in office (I did this without checking, and was prepared to be gracious in defeat should Leo X have been a model citizen. Turns out he was just the kind of second-division twat** ideal for these purposes.) I paraphrase and editorialize a mort:
The Leo X files: a Cardinal aged 13 (WTF, you’ve no hair on your balls but you can be a prince of the Church?), nor even ordained a priest when elected pope. Leo liked high living, which he funded by selling indulgences and offices in the church (like Cardinals): ‘pay off part of my debts you can be a prince of the church, no questions asked, mate.’
He was so popular that a bunch of cardinals tried to get him killed, and he fined them heavily by way of punishment. This boy sure loved his cash. He then did the church and the world a great service by foisting on them protestants of every disapproving miserable stamp - he ignored Luther’s reform calls (Martin, not Lex, God had told Leo that Lex was Superman’s problem) then excommunicated him, allowing him to barrel round Europe advocating protestantism, the murder of a revolting peasants and anti semitism.
He then gave Henry VIII of England the title of ‘Defender of the Faith’, giving our already pompous royals a further opportunity to be up themselves while opening shopping malls. Leo X’s death was suspicious, but it may have been that intelligently designed disease malaria.
Sumbitch had a lot to answer for. And this is the gentleman whose heraldic whatnot will be adorning the Pope’s new titfer* and frock come Palm Sunday. Blow your nose (or stuff will come out of it), swallow the coffee, move the children away from the computer and click over for a look.
* Titfer = tit for tat = hat. Cockney rhyming slang. Oh do keep up.
** The first division twats are the popes who murdered people and instituted inquisitions or crusades. And you’d be surprised just how many first division twats became Christ’s vicar on earth.
